New homeowner? Buy the best manual caulk gun you can find

Here's the real reason you were able to buy a house: the former owner hated caulking so goddamn much that they weren't willing to do it again.

That's probably not true. But here's the thing: out of all the random array of problems that have cropped up in my home — a basement drain so clogged I needed to break concrete, the downstairs bathroom light filled with water from the upstairs toilet (discovered the first day I moved in), a sneaky pipe leak right above my furnace, a thermostat that refused to work on the "fan-only" setting, and downspouts that fought gravity so much the water just came back to my foundation — caulking has proven by far to be the most annoying part of home ownership.

Why, you ask? It's just caulking! But when you own a home, you realize that caulking is what makes up the tendons of your home.

It's used to keep water out; it's used to glue shit together; it's used to repair cracks; it's used to prevent your home from leaking heat like a sieve in winter; it's used to cover up your DIY fuck ups; it's used to patch cabinets back together; it's used to repair your concrete from freeze-thaw cycles; and it's used to repair holes in walls.

But do not doubt that caulking can be used for more! It is only for my lack of creativity that I can't come up with more reasons to use caulk.

And while you can pay someone to do all the caulking, it happens to occupy a unique space in home ownership: there is so much to caulk that it actually can cost quite a bit to have someone else do it, and it's not dangerous or expensive to do it yourself.

For instance, if I don't thread the gas pipe to my dryer right, I could very well kill myself and my wife. That's reason enough to pay a plumber.

In comparison, caulking is a perfectly accomplishable task well suited for a new homeowner to take on, and it's stupid cheap to do yourself.

But have no doubt, if you have not caulked at scale before, you are terrible at it.

And it's not your fault because no one tells you the first step to success: buy the most expensive manual caulk gun you can find.

Take notice I didn't say to buy the caulk gun you can afford.

Hop in your car, go to Home Depot and buy the Husky "10 oz. Heavy-Duty High Leverage Drip Free Caulk Gun" for $23.

Now you may be thinking: "Holden, I can buy the Anvil '10 oz. Drip Free Smooth Rod Caulk Gun' for $5, stop being so dramatic."

You could also replace your MacBook Air M2 with a 1997 PowerBook and technically tap out a blog post. But will you hate yourself for it? Yes.

The difference between the most expensive caulk gun and the least expensive caulk gun comes down to the most expensive one actually working as intended. Husky's caulk gun will let caulk out when you pull the trigger and stop leaking caulk out when you let go of the trigger.

Wild, I know.

Now, you must be thinking: "Fine Holden — I'll buy the most expensive caulk gun so I can caulk every single part of my house with ease."

But do not be misled! Buying a caulk gun that works as expected does not mean you will know what you're doing with it, much like buying the latest MacBook Air won't save you from being a terrible writer.¹

It's not the caulk gun's fault that you are only capable of smearing caulk all over the edges of your window rather than laying a clean straight line. You have been merely set up for success with your expensive caulk gun; you are not guaranteed it.

To get good at caulking, you will need to go buy more work clothes, because by the end of your first foray into this deceptively dark introduction to DIY, your shirts and pants will be covered in glue that is meant to withstand the wrath of nature for 5-10 years. Your hands will be covered in the remnants of caulking that you hastily picked up to not let the goop harden on your counter.

And you probably didn't even succeed at that.

In fact, your attempt to clean up probably spread more caulking to areas that didn't need it, and you won't realize that until after you think you're done.

But at least the most expensive caulk gun will give you hope that one day you will be able to wrangle this awful substance into a somewhat straight line. I doubt it, though.

What I think you'll do is the bare minimum and then sell your home for the next buyer to deal with the mess.

But at least you'll be doing the bare minimum caulking jobs with a device that works.

And to the future buyer of this home, I hope this post telling the Internet to buy a caulk gun that works will redeem me from the caulking sins I've committed and that you will have to fix.